i don't like change. in fact, i hate it. even when i know it's what is best for me and that i'll be so much happier. even when i WANT the change there is still part of me that struggles to keep the things as they are.
with henrietta gone now my entire life has changed. the energy of my house is not the same as it was. and i struggle every day to get used to it. routines are different. just everything. i hate it. and now people i know are changing. probably in a good way for them. but i don't like it. i feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath me and just as i'm starting to try and stand back up the ground starts to shake.
it makes me want to pull away. and yes, i'm quite aware of how selfish all this is. of course people change. they should. they have to. and they seem to be happy with these new changes. and i do want them to be happy. i still can't help but feel like a child sitting on the floor kicking and screaming "but what about MEEEE!"
one thing remains the same. one thing in my life for over 15 years now remains constant. and that's the love of S. my vocabulary isn't large enough or they haven't invented the words yet to accurately describe how amazing he is. he blows me away with his kindness and his love and his forgiveness. he knows my craziness inside and out. he has seen me throw temper tantrums along with numerous other objects. and still he is always by my side. or rather i should say he always has my back because he's always there when i fall.
so when i get scared that my world is changing i just need to remind myself that i have him. and that as long as he's with me everything is going to be ok.
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