i don't like change. in fact, i hate it. even when i know it's what is best for me and that i'll be so much happier. even when i WANT the change there is still part of me that struggles to keep the things as they are.
with henrietta gone now my entire life has changed. the energy of my house is not the same as it was. and i struggle every day to get used to it. routines are different. just everything. i hate it. and now people i know are changing. probably in a good way for them. but i don't like it. i feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath me and just as i'm starting to try and stand back up the ground starts to shake.
it makes me want to pull away. and yes, i'm quite aware of how selfish all this is. of course people change. they should. they have to. and they seem to be happy with these new changes. and i do want them to be happy. i still can't help but feel like a child sitting on the floor kicking and screaming "but what about MEEEE!"
one thing remains the same. one thing in my life for over 15 years now remains constant. and that's the love of S. my vocabulary isn't large enough or they haven't invented the words yet to accurately describe how amazing he is. he blows me away with his kindness and his love and his forgiveness. he knows my craziness inside and out. he has seen me throw temper tantrums along with numerous other objects. and still he is always by my side. or rather i should say he always has my back because he's always there when i fall.
so when i get scared that my world is changing i just need to remind myself that i have him. and that as long as he's with me everything is going to be ok.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
don't go gunslinger girl
how does one go about the daily chores of life when a loved one is dying?
my baby is dying. and she is my baby. sure, she's a dog. but she's my baby girl. i don't care what people say. and really, what's the big difference between her and a human baby? i take care of her needs and do my best to raise her to be good and kind. and i love her. and she loves me. she plays, has favorite toys and favorite foods and likes to snuggle. she tries to be a good girl but gets in trouble sometimes. so really. what's the difference between the relationship i have with her and the relationship between a mom and her baby?
she is my baby. and i'm watching her die. and there's nothing i can do about it. and she can't tell me if she hurts. or if she's scared. sometimes she seems like her old self. wagging her stump of a tail at me. barking at people passing by the house. then she starts coughing and wants to lay down. her poor little brother has all but given up trying to play with her. she can manage maybe a minute or two before she starts coughing. she can't run.
i've cried so much i'm surprised i haven't run out of tears. i feel so helpless. i can't help but wonder if there was some sign i missed. some early sign that, had i noticed and taken her in maybe, just maybe, she could have been helped. if only i was a better mom.
so we wait. we give her her medication to hopefully make her more comfortable. she's getting all sorts of treats and extra noms. and we shower her with love. even more so than before. and we wait. for what i have no idea. i don't know for how long either.
so i ask again. how do i just go about my daily life, laundry, groceries, friends, when my baby girl is dying?
my baby is dying. and she is my baby. sure, she's a dog. but she's my baby girl. i don't care what people say. and really, what's the big difference between her and a human baby? i take care of her needs and do my best to raise her to be good and kind. and i love her. and she loves me. she plays, has favorite toys and favorite foods and likes to snuggle. she tries to be a good girl but gets in trouble sometimes. so really. what's the difference between the relationship i have with her and the relationship between a mom and her baby?
she is my baby. and i'm watching her die. and there's nothing i can do about it. and she can't tell me if she hurts. or if she's scared. sometimes she seems like her old self. wagging her stump of a tail at me. barking at people passing by the house. then she starts coughing and wants to lay down. her poor little brother has all but given up trying to play with her. she can manage maybe a minute or two before she starts coughing. she can't run.
i've cried so much i'm surprised i haven't run out of tears. i feel so helpless. i can't help but wonder if there was some sign i missed. some early sign that, had i noticed and taken her in maybe, just maybe, she could have been helped. if only i was a better mom.
so we wait. we give her her medication to hopefully make her more comfortable. she's getting all sorts of treats and extra noms. and we shower her with love. even more so than before. and we wait. for what i have no idea. i don't know for how long either.
so i ask again. how do i just go about my daily life, laundry, groceries, friends, when my baby girl is dying?
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