Wednesday, January 18, 2012

i don't know where to start or where to begin

i have things to say. they are in my head. i know they are there because i can hear them buzzing around. but it's hard to actually put them into words.

i think something is wrong with my boxer. last week she had this bit of a cough and now she has a rather large lump in her "armpit". vet is closed on tuesdays and wednesdays though so we are waiting till thursday. in the meantime i fret and the monsters in my head tell me all sorts of horrible things.

tomorrow i'm going to the doctor. i'm pretty sure it's a new primary (finally) but not positive. it's hard to find that kind of information on the website and i don't really like talking to people on the phone. i'm nervous. i was never really all that confident when going to the doctor before but i've had a number of bad experiences in recent history so i'm even more nervous. mostly i'm worried he won't listen. that's what has happened before. i'm going so i can talk to him about these headaches i get pretty much every day and my hands. i was told by 2 different doctors before regarding my head that "they're just tension headaches". i can't take that as an answer this time. that's just not good enough. and my hands, with it being so cold lately they have really been hurting. my last doc said something about me possibly needing to see a rheumatologist but then canceled the appointment i made where we were supposed to discuss it further. that was it for me with him.

i organized this craft thing at my house for next week. but now...with fighting this depression, worrying about my dog, being stressed about going to the doctor, i really kind of want to call it off. or at least see if someone else is willing to host it. but i'm so scared of people being disappointed in me. or worse, hating me. i just keep telling myself "see, this is why we don't organize these kinds of things!" i'm actually kind of mad at myself. i was feeling good at the time and the voice that said "yeah, but you might not feel good later" was so quiet it was easy to ignore. so i did. and here i am.

i don't know what to do. i keep trying to take things one moment at a time but there's still things looming on the horizon. things that need planed for. things other people are counting on me for. ugh why do people still count on me?! i am completely unreliable. that's not a "boo hoo" it's just a fact. it's not my fault. how can i be reliable when i can't even rely on my own brain?

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