2012: the year of acceptance?

so i've had this issue pop up several times lately so i guess i should take the hint and try to deal with it. overall the greater issue is accepting myself for who i am. just as is, right this second, uncondionally. after more than a decade of hating myself that is REALLY hard to do.

so, this issue that has been popping up is about me being a bitch. it came up a month or so ago when it was brought to my attention that to a good majority of people i come off as a bitch. this really hurt my feelings. like REALLY hurt. i cried. i hate being a girl

it was kind of to much for me to really think about at the time. so i put it on the back burner to simmer and process for awhile. i checked on it every so often but still didn't really think about it. then the other night at a party i was hanging out, being myself, so, you know, being loud and stuff. and i made a joke that i meant as playful/teasing/fun/harmless about this guy. people laughed and i looked at the guy and he had this look on his face, just for a second, that was like "why are you such a bitch?" it was like a splash of cold water in my face.

since then i've REALLY been thinking about this issue. i know that in my heart that i very rarely do anything malicious. i won't say never because, hey, i'm human and humans suck. i'll admit that when i'm in a fight i'll say things just to hurt the other person. but usually i'll go out of my way to be polite. but i'm also really loud. both in volume of my voice and in my personality. i know this. i can't seem to help it. when i get in a group of people i get happy and excited and i get...boisterous is a good word.

but i've decided that this doesn't make me a bad person. and that if some people think i'm a bitch because of my sens of humor well then, they suck. maybe they should get a better sense of humor. i have a man that loves me despite my loudness and all my other many (many) faults. i have a small group of close friends that like me despite my brash nature and the faults they know of. and i even have a group of friends that aren't quite as close but have seen me in all my obnoxious loudness and still like me (i try to keep my faults hidden from that group). so if some people like me then i must not be all bad right?

i know in my heart that i am basically a good but damaged person. and i think i'm starting to really accept (dare i say like?) myself for who i am. even if other people can't.