it's not fair

henrietta's prognosis is bad. all bad. she has numerous tumors in her lungs in addition to the one by her leg and the one they found in her adrenal gland. if it was just the one by her leg and the one in her adrenal gland they said that they would have a better chance of trying to rid her of them. but with the ones in her lungs. well...we are now at the "quality of life" stage. she has pain meds with more on the way. we are going to spoil her and pamper her and keep her happy for....well....for as long as we are able.

control

i don't want to feel anymore. it's to much. all this pain. i want to be the one in control of my pain. give me a razor and i'll show you who's boss.

i don't think our vet likes animals

so we took our boxer to the vet today to have a rather large lump under her right leg checked out. they poked it a few times with a needle hoping that it was just an abscess. no such luck. doc said it's a solid mass. he was able to get a sample of cells though to do a cytology on. that should tell us if it's cancer or not. we will get those results tomorrow. i...i don't know what i will do if she has cancer. just the thought of it makes me want to start crying again. that's pretty much my number one focus from now till we get that call "keep from crying". we will see how that goes.

seriously though, i don't think our vet likes animals. or at least not dogs. he didn't love on henrietta at all and she is a VERY loveable dog. when he came in he awkwardly patted her on the head. and when he was talking about how the lump could be the big "C" he said it all very matter of factly, like it was no big deal. i guess as long as he's good at his job...

kblam

why do i still try? why do i still fucking try to explain myself to other people? seriously. no one gets it. and furthermore i don't think anyone cares. and i don't mean cares about me. i mean they don't care to understand. it's probably easier to think that i'm just some bitch who flakes on her commitments than to try to understand what it's like inside my head.

fuck why do i even care? they wouldn't be able to grasp it even if they tried. the fear, the utter self hatred, the constant confusion. you don't know how i'm feeling? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW I'M FEELING! hell, i don't even know who i am anymore!

i'm fucking imploding over here and no one gives a shit. i try to reach out, to be the adult i'm supposed to be and that fucking doesn't work. if i act on the feelings i have right now i would be "acting out" and certain people would be "very disappointed" in me and it would cause a whole shit storm of it's own. so what the fuck am i supposed to do?

never mind. don't answer that. it's not like you give a shit. and i don't need another fucking lecture.

i don't know where to start or where to begin

i have things to say. they are in my head. i know they are there because i can hear them buzzing around. but it's hard to actually put them into words.

i think something is wrong with my boxer. last week she had this bit of a cough and now she has a rather large lump in her "armpit". vet is closed on tuesdays and wednesdays though so we are waiting till thursday. in the meantime i fret and the monsters in my head tell me all sorts of horrible things.

tomorrow i'm going to the doctor. i'm pretty sure it's a new primary (finally) but not positive. it's hard to find that kind of information on the website and i don't really like talking to people on the phone. i'm nervous. i was never really all that confident when going to the doctor before but i've had a number of bad experiences in recent history so i'm even more nervous. mostly i'm worried he won't listen. that's what has happened before. i'm going so i can talk to him about these headaches i get pretty much every day and my hands. i was told by 2 different doctors before regarding my head that "they're just tension headaches". i can't take that as an answer this time. that's just not good enough. and my hands, with it being so cold lately they have really been hurting. my last doc said something about me possibly needing to see a rheumatologist but then canceled the appointment i made where we were supposed to discuss it further. that was it for me with him.

i organized this craft thing at my house for next week. but now...with fighting this depression, worrying about my dog, being stressed about going to the doctor, i really kind of want to call it off. or at least see if someone else is willing to host it. but i'm so scared of people being disappointed in me. or worse, hating me. i just keep telling myself "see, this is why we don't organize these kinds of things!" i'm actually kind of mad at myself. i was feeling good at the time and the voice that said "yeah, but you might not feel good later" was so quiet it was easy to ignore. so i did. and here i am.

i don't know what to do. i keep trying to take things one moment at a time but there's still things looming on the horizon. things that need planed for. things other people are counting on me for. ugh why do people still count on me?! i am completely unreliable. that's not a "boo hoo" it's just a fact. it's not my fault. how can i be reliable when i can't even rely on my own brain?

last splash

i've crashed. again. it felt so nice to be up. not flying. just up. but all that's gone now. i have to pull out of this in like 2 weeks. i made commitments. this is why i shouldn't make commitments. i'm a cannonball.

2012: the year of acceptance?

so i've had this issue pop up several times lately so i guess i should take the hint and try to deal with it. overall the greater issue is accepting myself for who i am. just as is, right this second, uncondionally. after more than a decade of hating myself that is REALLY hard to do.

so, this issue that has been popping up is about me being a bitch. it came up a month or so ago when it was brought to my attention that to a good majority of people i come off as a bitch. this really hurt my feelings. like REALLY hurt. i cried. i hate being a girl

it was kind of to much for me to really think about at the time. so i put it on the back burner to simmer and process for awhile. i checked on it every so often but still didn't really think about it. then the other night at a party i was hanging out, being myself, so, you know, being loud and stuff. and i made a joke that i meant as playful/teasing/fun/harmless about this guy. people laughed and i looked at the guy and he had this look on his face, just for a second, that was like "why are you such a bitch?" it was like a splash of cold water in my face.

since then i've REALLY been thinking about this issue. i know that in my heart that i very rarely do anything malicious. i won't say never because, hey, i'm human and humans suck. i'll admit that when i'm in a fight i'll say things just to hurt the other person. but usually i'll go out of my way to be polite. but i'm also really loud. both in volume of my voice and in my personality. i know this. i can't seem to help it. when i get in a group of people i get happy and excited and i get...boisterous is a good word.

but i've decided that this doesn't make me a bad person. and that if some people think i'm a bitch because of my sens of humor well then, they suck. maybe they should get a better sense of humor. i have a man that loves me despite my loudness and all my other many (many) faults. i have a small group of close friends that like me despite my brash nature and the faults they know of. and i even have a group of friends that aren't quite as close but have seen me in all my obnoxious loudness and still like me (i try to keep my faults hidden from that group). so if some people like me then i must not be all bad right?

i know in my heart that i am basically a good but damaged person. and i think i'm starting to really accept (dare i say like?) myself for who i am. even if other people can't.

what a pain

my head has been hurting all day. and when i say all day i actually mean it was hurting when i went to bed and has not let up. i have prescription pain meds on the way and hopefully i will get them tomorrow. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i get these headaches every day now. i know i need to go to the doctor. making an appointment is even on my list of things to do. but every time i start thinking about actually going.... i've been to doctors on a couple of different occasions about my headaches and their response each time was "they're just tension headaches." as if it's no big deal. as though i shouldn't even be complaining. i don't want to go and have that happen again. but i need this pain to stop....

>_<

mediocrity

the simple truth is that i'm not great at anything. i'm ok at some things, pretty good at others, but not great. i used to hate myself because of this but i think i'm finally coming to terms with it. maybe it's an age thing.

fool!

this happens to me every year. logically i know that today is just another day. nothing has really changed since yesterday. it's just a new day that happens to be in a new calendar year. but here i am. all sorts of thoughts of "this year i'll do better" and "starting today i will..." running through my head. no, i'm not making any resolutions. i just feel.....hopeful.

yeah....i know