keep the change

i don't like change. in fact, i hate it. even when i know it's what is best for me and that i'll be so much happier. even when i WANT the change there is still part of me that struggles to keep the things as they are.

with henrietta gone now my entire life has changed. the energy of my house is not the same as it was. and i struggle every day to get used to it. routines are different. just everything. i hate it. and now people i know are changing. probably in a good way for them. but i don't like it. i feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath me and just as i'm starting to try and stand back up the ground starts to shake.

it makes me want to pull away. and yes, i'm quite aware of how selfish all this is. of course people change. they should. they have to. and they seem to be happy with these new changes. and i do want them to be happy. i still can't help but feel like a child sitting on the floor kicking and screaming "but what about MEEEE!"

one thing remains the same. one thing in my life for over 15 years now remains constant. and that's the love of S. my vocabulary isn't large enough or they haven't invented the words yet to accurately describe how amazing he is. he blows me away with his kindness and his love and his forgiveness. he knows my craziness inside and out. he has seen me throw temper tantrums along with numerous other objects. and still he is always by my side. or rather i should say he always has my back because he's always there when i fall.

so when i get scared that my world is changing i just need to remind myself that i have him. and that as long as he's with me everything is going to be ok.

don't go gunslinger girl

how does one go about the daily chores of life when a loved one is dying?

my baby is dying. and she is my baby. sure, she's a dog. but she's my baby girl. i don't care what people say. and really, what's the big difference between her and a human baby? i take care of her needs and do my best to raise her to be good and kind. and i love her. and she loves me. she plays, has favorite toys and favorite foods and likes to snuggle. she tries to be a good girl but gets in trouble sometimes. so really. what's the difference between the relationship i have with her and the relationship between a mom and her baby?

she is my baby. and i'm watching her die. and there's nothing i can do about it. and she can't tell me if she hurts. or if she's scared. sometimes she seems like her old self. wagging her stump of a tail at me. barking at people passing by the house. then she starts coughing and wants to lay down. her poor little brother has all but given up trying to play with her. she can manage maybe a minute or two before she starts coughing. she can't run.

i've cried so much i'm surprised i haven't run out of tears. i feel so helpless. i can't help but wonder if there was some sign i missed. some early sign that, had i noticed and taken her in maybe, just maybe, she could have been helped. if only i was a better mom.

so we wait. we give her her medication to hopefully make her more comfortable. she's getting all sorts of treats and extra noms. and we shower her with love. even more so than before. and we wait. for what i have no idea. i don't know for how long either.

so i ask again. how do i just go about my daily life, laundry, groceries, friends, when my baby girl is dying?

it's not fair

henrietta's prognosis is bad. all bad. she has numerous tumors in her lungs in addition to the one by her leg and the one they found in her adrenal gland. if it was just the one by her leg and the one in her adrenal gland they said that they would have a better chance of trying to rid her of them. but with the ones in her lungs. well...we are now at the "quality of life" stage. she has pain meds with more on the way. we are going to spoil her and pamper her and keep her happy for....well....for as long as we are able.

control

i don't want to feel anymore. it's to much. all this pain. i want to be the one in control of my pain. give me a razor and i'll show you who's boss.

i don't think our vet likes animals

so we took our boxer to the vet today to have a rather large lump under her right leg checked out. they poked it a few times with a needle hoping that it was just an abscess. no such luck. doc said it's a solid mass. he was able to get a sample of cells though to do a cytology on. that should tell us if it's cancer or not. we will get those results tomorrow. i...i don't know what i will do if she has cancer. just the thought of it makes me want to start crying again. that's pretty much my number one focus from now till we get that call "keep from crying". we will see how that goes.

seriously though, i don't think our vet likes animals. or at least not dogs. he didn't love on henrietta at all and she is a VERY loveable dog. when he came in he awkwardly patted her on the head. and when he was talking about how the lump could be the big "C" he said it all very matter of factly, like it was no big deal. i guess as long as he's good at his job...

kblam

why do i still try? why do i still fucking try to explain myself to other people? seriously. no one gets it. and furthermore i don't think anyone cares. and i don't mean cares about me. i mean they don't care to understand. it's probably easier to think that i'm just some bitch who flakes on her commitments than to try to understand what it's like inside my head.

fuck why do i even care? they wouldn't be able to grasp it even if they tried. the fear, the utter self hatred, the constant confusion. you don't know how i'm feeling? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW I'M FEELING! hell, i don't even know who i am anymore!

i'm fucking imploding over here and no one gives a shit. i try to reach out, to be the adult i'm supposed to be and that fucking doesn't work. if i act on the feelings i have right now i would be "acting out" and certain people would be "very disappointed" in me and it would cause a whole shit storm of it's own. so what the fuck am i supposed to do?

never mind. don't answer that. it's not like you give a shit. and i don't need another fucking lecture.

i don't know where to start or where to begin

i have things to say. they are in my head. i know they are there because i can hear them buzzing around. but it's hard to actually put them into words.

i think something is wrong with my boxer. last week she had this bit of a cough and now she has a rather large lump in her "armpit". vet is closed on tuesdays and wednesdays though so we are waiting till thursday. in the meantime i fret and the monsters in my head tell me all sorts of horrible things.

tomorrow i'm going to the doctor. i'm pretty sure it's a new primary (finally) but not positive. it's hard to find that kind of information on the website and i don't really like talking to people on the phone. i'm nervous. i was never really all that confident when going to the doctor before but i've had a number of bad experiences in recent history so i'm even more nervous. mostly i'm worried he won't listen. that's what has happened before. i'm going so i can talk to him about these headaches i get pretty much every day and my hands. i was told by 2 different doctors before regarding my head that "they're just tension headaches". i can't take that as an answer this time. that's just not good enough. and my hands, with it being so cold lately they have really been hurting. my last doc said something about me possibly needing to see a rheumatologist but then canceled the appointment i made where we were supposed to discuss it further. that was it for me with him.

i organized this craft thing at my house for next week. but now...with fighting this depression, worrying about my dog, being stressed about going to the doctor, i really kind of want to call it off. or at least see if someone else is willing to host it. but i'm so scared of people being disappointed in me. or worse, hating me. i just keep telling myself "see, this is why we don't organize these kinds of things!" i'm actually kind of mad at myself. i was feeling good at the time and the voice that said "yeah, but you might not feel good later" was so quiet it was easy to ignore. so i did. and here i am.

i don't know what to do. i keep trying to take things one moment at a time but there's still things looming on the horizon. things that need planed for. things other people are counting on me for. ugh why do people still count on me?! i am completely unreliable. that's not a "boo hoo" it's just a fact. it's not my fault. how can i be reliable when i can't even rely on my own brain?